Raising Hellcat:
A New Warrior’s Empowerment Journey
By Jud Smith
The following story describes one man’s journey to personal power at a Guts training weekend. It was led by David Quigley and Francis Bourchers for the northern California chapter of the Mankind Project, sometimes referred to as the “New Warriors” network. This weekend is a training program open to all initiated New Warriors who wish to expand their skills as Guts facilitators within the initiation weekends and in their local weekly support groups, called I-Groups.
The New Warriors is a national network of men who are helping to redefine the roles of men in the world. Giving up violence, patriarchal arrogance, and authoritarianism, new warriors seek to awaken their strength, compassion, and wisdom for the protection and the healing of our society and our planet. To experience your own initiation through the New Warriors, or learn more about their life-changing programs, see their website at www.mkp.org.
My whole life I had let people take advantage of me, sometimes without them even knowing it. Over and over I robbed myself of the right to stand up and say what is true about me and my needs. The cost was my dignity and self respect. I voluntarily forfeited my rights because at some deep level I believed it would be wrong to stir up trouble and draw attention to the obvious fact that I was incompetent, bad, and undeserving. I abandoned myself when I most needed my own support.
Somewhere in my childhood I decided I must be wrong and bad. I believed I wasn’t smart enough to understand math. A skinny weakling, I was no good at sports. I found that getting small and going inside was the only way to deal with the pain of insecurity. From the time I was in preschool I was bullied and picked on. I can remember every bully who pushed me around. I remember how I feared and hated them, how small I felt, how the resentment ate me up and how I gave my power away. The list goes on into the present: the boss who put me down, the narcissistic roommate, and the friends who took advantage of me.
My intention for the guts weekend was to break through this unfulfilling pattern within the circle of support provided by my fellow warrior brothers. For years I had felt like a mouse among men. Now I wanted a new animal to be my guide and my symbol. I wanted to deal with the unexpressed rage from years past, and forgive the part of myself that I had abandoned.
The whole weekend I was simmering like a kettle ready to boil over. As Francis and David led us through the Guts processes, it dawned on me that the very thing keeping me from being an effective Guts facilitator was tied up with this pattern of self-abandonment.
Then, it was time to practice, and I volunteered. Led by a wise elder named Jay, an experienced Guts facilitator, the group of supportive men surrounded me. They were filled with excitement, a bit of performance anxiety, and lots of compassion, ready to practice their new skills with me. I began by describing a dream I had experienced the night before about a particular boss who was dominant and took advantage of me many times, although in a way he was just a symbol of all the people who had played this role in my life. I picked one man to play this boss and had him stand on a chair so he would be taller than me, and asked him to display a smirking, gloating satisfaction on his face and body that spoke of his dominance over me. Other men used their bodies to create a dynamic barrier, which I would have to break through with every ounce of my strength to reach this intimidating figure. (We had already learned how to protect the safety of all participants so that no one was in physical danger.)
I was ready to go. I conjured a lot of power to break the human barrier that represented my block. But I stopped, the stage still missing some essential pieces. I expressed that I first needed to forgive the little child in me for creating this wound before I could fully access my power. Quigley stepped in and helped me choose another man who, on his knees, came to represent this forgotten child. I spent a few moments, forgiving, and embracing him. Accessing my new knowledge as a facilitator, I then called upon another man to represent my “guardian”, the loving inner warrior in me who was there to remind me and my child that we could step beyond the pattern of self-abandonment. I told him exactly what to say to me because I knew what I would need to hear. His words brought me confidence and power. I asked my guardian to push with me through the wall of men and help me confront my boss. But before we entered this trial of strength, I spoke these words to my child:
“I am sorry for abandoning you for 38 years. From now on you will never have to be alone again. I am with you now!”
I was ready. While each of the men hurled taunts in my direction, “you are wrong!”, “You are stupid!”, all the negative core beliefs that had imprisoned me all those years, I tore through their lines with huge power. They were big men, but drawing from years of unexpressed rage I gathered the strength to push them aside. I practically flew through their intense resistance!
When I reached my still gloating boss he was holding two oranges Jay had provided which represented his hold on my manhood. With a heightened sense of aliveness, I pulled them from his hand. My grip was so strong the oranges were crushed, their juice flying in a baptism of power all over us. Then reaching up, I pulled him down - onto the ground. (Jay was careful to keep all of us physically safe.) Suddenly, just as the boss was down I felt the conviction drain out of me; frozen at the moment of truth like a deer in the headlights. Then the man playing my guardian stepped up and reminded me of who I am. I knew then how I could pull myself up from the abyss, by my own bootstraps. Wisely, the man playing my boss smirked again. More rage came out. I shouted:
“I will not give up myself for you! I take my power back! It is mine, not yours!”
My enemy disappeared from this mans face. But there was still something missing. The men asked me what I needed now. I felt the deep pain still filling my body, the pain of inadequacy that had created this pattern in the first place. Quigley asked, “Where is the stuck place in your body?” I said “In my belly and my throat, and behind my eyes and in my jaw.” He then suggested that the men pull the grief, helplessness, and fear out of my body. I allowed the man playing my guardian to touch the deepest core of my pain, as he and several other men pulled the ancient hurt out of my body. I screamed and writhed and groaned as I let it go, like a cancer being removed from my body. In the long quiet pause that followed, the men taught me to touch these places whenever I needed to remember the power I had found this day.
Then I spoke in gratitude to the little boy and the guardian who still stood beside me, a promise that we would be together always. Then Jay handed me the sword, an ancient symbol of a man’s power. As I drew it from its scabbard and held it aloft, I knew the whole circle of men surrounding me felt awe at its power - my power - taken back. Under Jay’s guidance I held it first to my chest, then my forehead. This was the symbol of a sacred new covenant with myself. The energy in the room was intense - energized. Suddenly to my astonishment and the groups, a shout emerged from my lips like a bolt of lightning from the skies:
“I am Hellcat!”
It was right. It was so. It was undeniably authentic. With the sword to my chest I turned to face each of the men in the circle. I saw the image of a fierce, decisive, black cat in that bolt of lightning. My new animal self was here. I felt the whole group sizzle with the electricity upon his arrival. Then the men surrounded me with love amazement and congratulations. And I was filled with gratitude for every one of the men in my circle, without whose help this breakthrough could not have been achieved. This was my Guts process.
How has this affected my life? Now, every time I face a decision or especially a confrontation, I express my feelings and my needs with confidence even when I’m afraid. Every time I experience an impulse to recede, I call on the power of Hellcat and step back into my power. At a recent meeting of our men’s group, one of the men broke our rules of conduct in a way that made me feel unsafe. I knew how important these rules are for the physical and emotional safety of the group. Instead of retreating as I might have done in the past and letting another man confront him, I stepped up to the plate and spoke to him with fierceness, clarity and power.
Afterwards a long time group participant and friend told me how amazed he was at the difference in me. Thanks to the warrior network and to all of the men in my group who have done so much to transform my life.
