Through the Veil of Tears
Hypnotherapy Solutions for Loss, Abandonment and Betrayal
Part 4: Guilt Ridden Separation
By David Quigley
One of most devastating kinds of loss is the relationship that we destroyed through our own actions, or inaction. Here are some real life examples:
"'If only I hadn't cheated on her so many times. Those women meant nothing to me. It is my fault that the only one I really loved is gone."
"If I had been there for my son instead of working all the time, maybe he would still be alive."
"If only I had gone to counseling when he asked me to. Now he is gone."
The best process for this is what I call the Remorse Process. If you can do this with the other person in real time I recommend it. If they are unavailable, then you can do this on the spiritual plane. Like all Spirit Communication processes it begins with closing your eyes and imagining the other person in front of you. Then you need to imagine getting on your knees in front of them and clearly and thoroughly confessing everything you did wrong. Hold nothing back. It is important that you express remorse, and not simply regret. While both expressions begin with the words "I am sorry" the expression of remorse can actually lead to forgiveness and maybe renewal, while the expression of regret is probably useless, or worse, poisonous in resolving the problem. Let us examine the difference so we can we avoid this mistake which has cost many of my clients their chance at renewal. Here are expressions of regret:
"I am sorry you were hurt by my affairs. I didn't mean to upset you. It is just who I am."
"I am sorry you took my drinking so personally. It wasn't about you."
"I am sorry you had so many needs I could not fulfill. I tried."
Actually, if you listen carefully with your heart to these statements, they are not really about apologizing for mistakes. They are actually blaming statements. I am saying it is your fault that you had these needs and feelings. I was just being me, and I am "sorry" that you overreacted. Frankly, I hear these kind of apologies all the time in my work with couples. If this is the best you can do, if this is what you honestly feel, I recommend you save your breath and move on. Your needs and your partner's needs for relationship are clearly incompatible.
Now, here are statements of true remorse. They have a very different feel.
"I am sorry I was unfaithful to you. I was a selfish pig."
"I was a stupid drunk. I hurt you, and I am so sorry."
"I am sorry I was not there for you to be the dedicated father you deserved."
This step could include explaining the reasons for ones mistakes. Not as an excuse to make it acceptable, but to help your partner understand the reasons for your failure. You could also explain how much you have already suffered to help solicit their forgiveness. Let's face it, most people who feel hurt and betrayed want you to "cry me a river" before they forgive. We also must promise we will never transgress again. And we must give our partner some reasons to believe that we have become a new person that can keep that promise. Here is an example:
"I am sorry I was unfaithful to you. I was a selfish pig. It's just that I was trained all through my childhood by my womanizing father to believe that a real man has sex with every woman he can get. I know how wrong that is. I know it is no excuse. But somehow he programmed my subconscious to believe this, and I felt powerless to stop it. But now that you have been gone for two years, I feel so empty inside. I miss you so much. I now know what real love is, and I never want to go back to that cheap sex again. I will seek more therapy if I am ever tempted again. Please take me back."
Your former partner may already be beyond your reach. Or they may choose to forgive you and take you back. Or they may decide they can no longer trust you and must move on. Or they may give some real acts of atonement that you must perform to prove your remorse and your change of heart before they take you back. In any case, by completing the process outlined here, you can at least rest assured that you have done everything in your power to repair the loss.
Then you will need to spend lots of time doing the self forgiveness process outlined in Part 2. This time we will confront the inner "womanizer" or the "drunken jerk" within you. In this process your former self must commit to doing whatever is necessary, including seeking hypnotherapy treatment, so that they never repeat the terrible actions that created these problems before. And you must hold your former self to that promise. Otherwise I can just about guarantee that your next relationship will crash on the same rocks.
Of all the types of loss described above, I believe this one most needs the intervention of a skilled therapist. It presents the gravest danger to the clients self esteem and their mental health.
But whatever type of loss, abandonment and betrayal you suffer from, get real help. Drugs are not the answer. Ordinary talk therapy has limited value and is very slow. But with the technologies outlined here, there is hope that you will soon be able to restore your emotional health and begin life anew. But even with the powerful methods outlined here, it will not happen overnight. Be patient with your tears. Healing the broken heart takes time. Give yourself the time it needs. And do your best to surround yourself with the love you need to get to the other side. Good luck.
Articles in this series:
Part 1: Simple Bereavement
Part 2: Abandonment and Betrayal
Part 3: Loss of the Dream of Love
Part 4: Guilt Ridden Separation